At 7:14 this morning, our 8-year old had a melt down.  For 34 minutes, she cried, screamed incoherently, yelled words, and even rolled on the ground. She woke her brother up from the other end of the house. We’re talking TEMPER TANTRUM. The kind toddlers throw in supermarkets when they’re on overload. 
 
Bottom line: Ali feels like she is on overload.

She used to attend a lovely school that didn’t believe in grades or testing. She now attends a lovely school that administers weekly spelling tests. (“Lovely” being one of her 20 spelling words. I just want to show that I can nail the spelling).  
 
The saddest part is that we prepped all week for this: on Monday (her first day of school) she wrote every word out four times, then on Tuesday we memorized 7 words, on Wednesday 7 words and on Thursday the last 6 words. We then gave her a mock test Thursday night and she did fine. 
 
So why the freak out on Friday morning before a test for which she prepared?
 
Performance anxiety.  She is not used to and does not like the idea of being assessed, because within that lies the possibility of not doing well, not measuring up.  She could fail.  But she cannot verbalize this.  It comes out as, “I hate spelling!” (though she loves her new teacher - which is huge because she stayed in LA because she loved her old teacher). She's afraid of the test.
 
But the price of growth in life is to continually assess ourselves and be assessed.  
 
I mean, imagine an Olympics where we didn’t want to time speed skaters because we didn’t want to put pressure on them, or one in which we gave everyone a medal just for making it to the Games?
 
Basically, we approach life and its challenges with either a fixed or a growth mindset.  Sadly, I grew up with a fixed mindset: fear was my language. I was terrified of failing, or being judged, or making a fool of myself.  I therefore greatly limited my opportunities, and spent my 20s in a fundamentalist evangelical cultish church, where Biblical group-think took precedence over personal insight or growth, and, as is also true with fixed mindsets, everything was black or white. 
 
On the other hand, a “growth mindset,” according to researcher Dr. Carol Dweck is one that thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities. 
 
Out of these two mindsets, which we manifest from a very early age, Dweck believes springs a great deal of our behavior, our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness. That explains a lot in my life.
 
Most of us have known about growth mindset for years, but what surprises me is that despite our best intentions, our 8-year old has the characteristics of a fixed mindset.  Putting her in an environment of “no grades, everyone wins an award, no tests” may have created the illusion of a carefree childhood, but it also taught her to fear tests and challenges because she’s not used to losing, or failing. It didn’t teach her to push herself, fail, dust herself off. Yikes. I've been inadvertently teaching her to be my former scared little self.
 
Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, and the first self-made female billionaire in America, has a lot to say about failure. She said that while growing up at dinner every night, her father would ask her and her brother how they failed that day, and everyone would then acknowledge and celebrate (!!) their failures as signs of growth.  This nightly ritual made her resilient.  For example, her LSAT scores were so low after taking the test multiple times, that she couldn’t apply to law schools.  From that fail, she eventually founded Spanx (and now owns a piece of the Atlanta Hawks and donated a million dollars to Oprah’s South African School for Girls).
 
So to grow, we need to celebrate our failures (even in cooking) and continue to take chances that stretch and challenge ourselves. But, if we’re honest in the days of COVID, everyday chances to challenge ourselves can be limited (recipes aside).  
 
Thankfully, there’s another amazing way to help the brain feel confident so we seek out and take on new trials and quests: humor.  When we feel safe to make light of our mistakes, we gain the courage to seek out and then take on bigger and bolder risks (this from Humor Seriously, which Lillie is frustrated with because so far it hasn’t told her how to be funny.  As of chapter two, we only understand that if we want to be creative, connected or adventurous, we really need levity. She is very concerned that she is not funny, even though half the battle is laughing at other people's jokes to show you have a sense of humor in the first place.  Stay tuned as we read chapter three....) 
 
Abolitionist Henry Ward Beecher noted, “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” I love this.  How often, especially up through my 30s, did I let small things unseat me because I was so intent on something or felt so insecure that I had no room for humor?  For an abolitionist to extol humor begs the question: just what in life is too serious for levity!???!!  Really, what?
 
Humor as a mechanism to seek out growth and creativity?  Sign me up.
 
Well, now it’s all of 10 AM.  Ali ended up with a 100% on her dreaded spelling test and I need a nap.  Because before dinner I need to try something new. Our conversation will focus on how we failed today, and I’ve gotta come up with a doozy, or fail trying.

​Much is revealed about a culture from its vocabulary.

In reflection, 2020 gave us a load of new lingo.  
 
Consider:
Yoga Pants – Former meaning: “I’m working out / going to yoga.” 
2020 meaning: “I got out of my pajamas today.”
 
Drive-by - Former meaning: a shooting from a moving car. 
2020 meaning: Adorning one’s car with signs & balloons as one joins a procession of cars, waving at friends on a lawn, yelling, “Happy Birthday!/Happy Graduation!/Good luck on your move! We’ll miss you!”
 
Mask – former meaning:  a facial covering for Halloween.
2020 meaning: Public statement of those who believe in science vs. those who don’t.

Family time - former meaning: a special time set aside for family members to catch each other up on their day, relax, eat dinner, play games.
2020 meaning: Every minute of every day. (Antonym: alone time, now a term used in fantasy or sci fi.)
 
Urban Moving Vans of Any Kind - former meaning: “We’ve been transferred!” 
2020 meaning: “We did the math, and OMG, what we can buy elsewhere for half the price while working remotely!!”
 
Date - former meaning: an outing that two people in/or wanting to be in/ a relationship take to have fun, relax, connect.
2020 meaning: ???

Pivot - Former meaning: “to turn on, as if on a shaft”
2020 meaning: To reinvent one’s self out of necessity. Ex: “My business collapsed…I got laid off…our economic model isn’t viable…I need to pivot here….”

Quarantine: Former meaning: a strict isolation imposed to prevent the spread of disease.
2020 meaning: daily life.
 
Zoom: A noun (Ex: Let's discuss this on zoom). Also, a verb (Ex: Let’s zoom next week). Also, an adjective (Ex: Mom, I’ll see you on the Christmas zoom meeting). In short, zoom became EVERYTHING: a lifeline for business and social interaction.  
Would that we had bought stock….
 
Virtual/Remote Learning – Proof that kids can actually tire of watching a screen.
 
Postponed Memorials – A plan to celebrate a recently deceased loved one’s life in the distant undefined future
History of term: As the death toll mounted to horrifying numbers, many found that zoom (adj) memorials leave much to be desired. We’ve learned how important hugging and being physically together are in times of grief.
 
The COVID-19 – Cousin to “The Freshman 15”, "the COVID- 19" is the approximately 20 pounds of weight gained by staying at home, mostly in the first few months of the pandemic. (not to be confused with COVID-19, the actual disease).
 
Social distancing – an oxymoronic phrase denoting how one is trying to be health-conscious while also acknowledging one’s deep need to laugh and be with family and friends.
 
Now, for an obscure ancient word that has been a 2020 companion: 
Trumpery
Samuel Johnson, in his dictionary of 1755, defined trumpery as:
(1) Something of less value than it seems 
(2) Falsehood, empty talk 
(3) Something of no value; trifles
Its meaning not only stands, but has new depth.
 
Top Two Words more commonly used than ever before: 
Hope – synonymous with the election…the vaccine…the future…
 
Gratitude – buzzword of sanity. Grateful for what we have. What we don’t. That this year is finally ending. For who we have become during this time.
 
And Concluding -
​on Perspective and Relationships – “Life will present you with unexpected opportunities, and you won't always know in advance which are the important moments. Above all, it's the quality of your relationships that will determine the quality of your life. Invest in your connections, even those that seem inconsequential." 
(Esther Perel came up with that – and it’s good, so it’s here).
 
Thanks for your friendship and for having subscribed to my blog.
 
Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones.