The Clap Out...followed by a jump in the water.... It’s been a roller coaster. With a fourth-grader in the family, I still think about the massacre in Texas every day. Grief is not a straight line. I thought I was emotionally ready to celebrate my first birthday without either Mom or Dad, or celebrate Mom’s first birthday without her. There’s always next year, God willing. And when we look for it, there’s always joy, always something to celebrate. While some friends have kids graduating from college, my oldest Lillie Grace just graduated from elementary school. (My youngest Tyler finished his Kindergarten Prep year. At this rate, Tyler will be graduating from college as I enter Assisted Living, which is to say that as he leaves his dorm, I’ll be entering mine. We can compare notes.) Jory, Tyler and I attended Lillie Grace’s school “Clap Out”, which kicked off her last day of elementary school. After morning announcements, every fifth-grade class walked down every hall in the school for the last time while every class lined the hallways to honor them. Everyone claps as these fifth-graders walk through these hallways for the last time. Some of the teachers cry as the kids walk by, but whether the tears are happy or sad depends on both the kid and the teacher. The kids were all thrilled – they were on their way to a graduation day party at a nearby pool, and the other parents seemed to be in a celebratory mood. Except for me. I was wearing sunglasses indoors, trying to hide the tears streaming down my cheeks as Lillie walked by. “What’s with the tears?” the particularly Stoic Mom next to me asked. I wanted to ask Stoic Mom why she’s NOT crying. Come ON! This is a milestone! We’re marking: the last time these kids will be elementary school students - ever!! I’ve missed so many of the “last times” in Lillie Grace’s life. When exactly was the "last time" I picked her up and held her on my hip, or the "last time" I spoon fed her, or held her as she slept against me? It was more like one day we did it that way, the next day, we didn’t. It all changed in the blink of an eye. Not to get too sentimental: I’m glad there was a last time she spit up her food, wore a diaper, or couldn’t sleep through the night. In fairness, she may do all that again in old age, so I guess I should say it was “our last time" for those things. So, yes, the tears are flowing as I am aware of a big Last Time. Having no clue how to express any of this, I looked at Stoic Mom and simply shrugged. “Oh,” she said. “You’re worried about having a middle schooler, huh? With the boys and make-up?” I just shrugged again, feeling like the tall gal at a midget conference. Shortly after Mom died, my college roommate sent me a book called Wintering by Katherine May, about living through a season of grief and sadness. It has a whole section on the benefits of cold-water bathing, which countries (especially Scandinavian) adhere to. Cold water bathing supports your immune system, boosts your metabolism, energy, mood and resilience, lowers inflammation. I had tried it in the shower. Once. Then, I could never get my hand to turn off the hot water again. Ever. Life is hard enough, why make the shower a place of torture? So, here I was, that first Monday after Lillie’s Clap Out, taking a running jump into our pool at 7AM. Sure, file this under middle age crisis. How to recognize and let go of all these last times, while remaining joyful? How to be present for this life that is speeding by? If people all around the world swear by the physical, emotional and mental benefits of the Polar Plunge, who am I to say it doesn’t work? (Disclaimer: 50-degree water is balmy for a real Polar Plunge. However, when you first hit the water before coffee, you might as well be in friggin' Antarctica. The beauty of this is that, unlike the shower, you have to stay in the water long enough to swim out of it.) To my utter shock, I actually liked it. Enough to do it the next day. And the next. It’s invigorating. By Day Four, Jory joined me, probably more out of concern about my mental stability than anything else. Then the ever-curious Lillie Grace joined in, because she wanted to understand the allure. Tyler and Ali just laugh at us, snuggled in their pjs. Here’s the thing: the Plunge gives you an odd (very odd) sense of accomplishment early in the morning. A strange euphoria, an exhilaration that must only come from the cold narrowing the arteries and making the heart work harder. The body does affect mood, something I try to keep in mind when I want that chocolate chip cookie. Warming up from a cold-water plunge is akin to the feeling you get when something you work towards finally happens. It’s kind of how I felt after my spectacular interview to substitute teach this fall with the Head of the English Department at Lillie Grace’s new school. The interview (which, you may remember, was not exactly easy to procure) could not have gone better. Hey, I even passed the background check. It’s only substitute teaching, but it’s a step in the right direction. As for today’s Polar Plunge, Ali and I just returned from a life-changing trip to RI and found the pool drained. The old heater and filter need to be replaced. My Comfort-Creature Self is rejoicing. My Higher Self will jump anew when there’s water in the pool (still can’t make myself take that cold shower). Lillie Grace, on the other hand, remains unstoppable. This week she is attending a class about the art of the decorative Ukrainian Easter egg and making her own. That’s definitely a first, certainly one for the books. Something to clap about.
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AuthorSteph: friend, writer, wife, mother, sister, daughter, lover of life, and of chocolate. Archives
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