At 7:14 this morning, our 8-year old had a melt down. For 34 minutes, she cried, screamed incoherently, yelled words, and even rolled on the ground. She woke her brother up from the other end of the house. We’re talking TEMPER TANTRUM. The kind toddlers throw in supermarkets when they’re on overload. Bottom line: Ali feels like she is on overload. She used to attend a lovely school that didn’t believe in grades or testing. She now attends a lovely school that administers weekly spelling tests. (“Lovely” being one of her 20 spelling words. I just want to show that I can nail the spelling). The saddest part is that we prepped all week for this: on Monday (her first day of school) she wrote every word out four times, then on Tuesday we memorized 7 words, on Wednesday 7 words and on Thursday the last 6 words. We then gave her a mock test Thursday night and she did fine. So why the freak out on Friday morning before a test for which she prepared? Performance anxiety. She is not used to and does not like the idea of being assessed, because within that lies the possibility of not doing well, not measuring up. She could fail. But she cannot verbalize this. It comes out as, “I hate spelling!” (though she loves her new teacher - which is huge because she stayed in LA because she loved her old teacher). She's afraid of the test. But the price of growth in life is to continually assess ourselves and be assessed. I mean, imagine an Olympics where we didn’t want to time speed skaters because we didn’t want to put pressure on them, or one in which we gave everyone a medal just for making it to the Games? Basically, we approach life and its challenges with either a fixed or a growth mindset. Sadly, I grew up with a fixed mindset: fear was my language. I was terrified of failing, or being judged, or making a fool of myself. I therefore greatly limited my opportunities, and spent my 20s in a fundamentalist evangelical cultish church, where Biblical group-think took precedence over personal insight or growth, and, as is also true with fixed mindsets, everything was black or white. On the other hand, a “growth mindset,” according to researcher Dr. Carol Dweck is one that thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities. Out of these two mindsets, which we manifest from a very early age, Dweck believes springs a great deal of our behavior, our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness. That explains a lot in my life. Most of us have known about growth mindset for years, but what surprises me is that despite our best intentions, our 8-year old has the characteristics of a fixed mindset. Putting her in an environment of “no grades, everyone wins an award, no tests” may have created the illusion of a carefree childhood, but it also taught her to fear tests and challenges because she’s not used to losing, or failing. It didn’t teach her to push herself, fail, dust herself off. Yikes. I've been inadvertently teaching her to be my former scared little self. Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, and the first self-made female billionaire in America, has a lot to say about failure. She said that while growing up at dinner every night, her father would ask her and her brother how they failed that day, and everyone would then acknowledge and celebrate (!!) their failures as signs of growth. This nightly ritual made her resilient. For example, her LSAT scores were so low after taking the test multiple times, that she couldn’t apply to law schools. From that fail, she eventually founded Spanx (and now owns a piece of the Atlanta Hawks and donated a million dollars to Oprah’s South African School for Girls). So to grow, we need to celebrate our failures (even in cooking) and continue to take chances that stretch and challenge ourselves. But, if we’re honest in the days of COVID, everyday chances to challenge ourselves can be limited (recipes aside). Thankfully, there’s another amazing way to help the brain feel confident so we seek out and take on new trials and quests: humor. When we feel safe to make light of our mistakes, we gain the courage to seek out and then take on bigger and bolder risks (this from Humor Seriously, which Lillie is frustrated with because so far it hasn’t told her how to be funny. As of chapter two, we only understand that if we want to be creative, connected or adventurous, we really need levity. She is very concerned that she is not funny, even though half the battle is laughing at other people's jokes to show you have a sense of humor in the first place. Stay tuned as we read chapter three....) Abolitionist Henry Ward Beecher noted, “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” I love this. How often, especially up through my 30s, did I let small things unseat me because I was so intent on something or felt so insecure that I had no room for humor? For an abolitionist to extol humor begs the question: just what in life is too serious for levity!???!! Really, what? Humor as a mechanism to seek out growth and creativity? Sign me up. Well, now it’s all of 10 AM. Ali ended up with a 100% on her dreaded spelling test and I need a nap. Because before dinner I need to try something new. Our conversation will focus on how we failed today, and I’ve gotta come up with a doozy, or fail trying.
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If we think about it, a generation’s lifestyle is fundamentally defined by its technology, or lack thereof. Consider life before running water. Or cars. Planes. Television. The internet. Cell phones. Our technology dictates how we spend our days, when we come right down to it. With a lifestyle of immediate gratification (everything from "zoom"ing to "fast" food), we feel patience is harder for us (and our kids) than it was for those generations before us. Tyler seemed hellbent to prove how thin patience really is this week (both his and his parents). He had three days off preschool (thank snow for two of them) and we ran out of ways to say, “No, you can’t be on the iPad” all day. In my creative writing, I get impatient by telling rather than showing (telling is quicker! less space too!). Friends in Austin this week felt super impatient for the cold to be over! Of course, our patience is beyond stretched when it comes to quarantining, zooming, social distancing, and yet…here we are. In pondering this, I was reminded that impatience is nothing new, and when acted upon, never quite yields the results we're hoping for. Lillie Grace is writing a project on President Lincoln, so when her dance class was canceled due to snow, we finally watched Spielberg’s fascinating Lincoln film. Incredibly intellectual and political (critics would say slow moving), the story centers around passing the 13th amendment (abolishing slavery). In 1865 (weeks before Lincoln's assassination) Radical Republican Thaddeus Stevens (played by Tommy Lee Jones) is clearly out of patience with Lincoln (Daniel Day Lewis) for not passing this amendment (which we in the 21st century hold to be self-evident). Lincoln tells him, “I admire your zeal, Mr. Stevens, and I have tried to profit from the example of it. But if I'd listened to you, I'd have declared every slave free the minute the first shell struck Fort Sumter (4 years prior). Then the border (slave-holding) states would've gone over to the Confederacy, the war would've been lost and the Union along with it, and instead of abolishing slavery, as we hope to do in two weeks, we'd be watching helpless as infants as it spread from the American South into South America.” Sit with this. Timing (patience) was crucial to abolishing slavery. By steam plowing ahead with the best of convictions, slavery would have persisted. The Union would have been lost. Trump's stomping ground would officially be the CSA. One of the things that makes Lincoln a truly great leader is his patience, that virtue we all struggle with. Lincoln took a firm assessment of the reality of his times and acted accordingly. (Case in point: Lincoln’s own Vice-President Andrew Johnson, once he became president, vetoed this slavery amendment twice). It's so important to assess what*is* against what we *want*, and find the best time to act, not just act when we want. And yet, still act when it is a wise time!!! It's all a balance. In assessing our current times, our options are pretty much patience and peace or frustration and aggravation. Even those who get the vaccine will only have the antibodies for a time! At this point, the CDC has conservatively guaranteed three months of immunity, though many scientists are speculating it’s good for hopefully up to three years. Either way, it means we’ll still have to shelve dreams of life as we knew it, (with live concerts and theater) for the rest of 2021. How did Lincoln maintain patience? He immersed himself in humor and stories. In light of this, Lillie Grace and I have turned to Humor Seriously, a research book by two Stanford professors. They have collected data on humor, and present levity as a *learnable* superpower that can boost creativity, diffuse tension, build bonds, increase patience, and enhance life. The average four-year old laughs as many as three hundred times a day (hello Tyler when he isn't thinking about his iPad!!) compared to the average 40 year old, whom it takes 2.5 months to laugh the same three hundred times!! (ahem, this stat even gets grimmer until we reach 81, then skyrockets to laughter! Is this due to not giving a crap at that point? Dementia?) So far, we’ve found the introduction interesting, but dry for a book about humor. But we’re patient. After all, we have nowhere to go. Thought I’d start with the Buzz around town: The hot thing to do in Albuquerque is make a 4-hour Pilgrimage to Amarillo, Texas (not far from where I lived for almost five years as a kid!) If you can handle the drive, their Civic Center's vaccination program is nationally acclaimed: apparently no lines, or fuss. (as Cindy Kohler and I joke, Amarillo has been waiting for its Big Moment; who knew this would be it?). On Wednesday (Jory’s birthday) Albuquerque gifted us with a move from the “red zone” to the “yellow zone” (Phase 1 for Angelenos). Schools open when we’re in the “green zone”. Grateful we are heading in the right direction, but remain as cautious as ever. (Am I alone in always thinking of those who died in the last few weeks of any big war??!) The other thing that’s trending in the Big A: the weather. It was a perfect 60 degrees for Ty to feed the ducks on Monday. This coming Sunday, it will be 23 degrees (high; low of 8) with 6 inches of snow forecasted. Perfect Valentine’s weekend by the fireplace with beef stew, movies, popcorn, and games. Rounding out the Big A news, there’s a new locally-licensed driver on the roads (and after showing every form of ID known to man, my NM license will expire in 2029….when Lillie Grace is a HS senior!). What boosted my focus this week: While I don’t usually do Facebook challenges, Lauri Lee sent one my way that brought me tremendous delight. She challenged me to post 10 photos in 10 days that bring me joy – no explanations given. This caused me to scroll through the thousands of photos on my phone for ten days and realize how much beauty there is, how much fun we’ve had. On a deeper level, it made me replan my day every morning, to be aware of how I can create moments of beauty or joy that day. Sometimes I stumble upon these moments of happiness (finding Tyler singing his favorite song, “Beautiful Boy” to himself); often times I orchestrate them (special dinner with planned conversation topics). The point is to give them the same focus and importance I give to the “must do” stuff every day. I want to savor these small moments of bliss and try to capture them, as I see from so many of the photos on my phone, how quickly things change. Here’s a few photos of joy that did not make the 10-day challenge….
Anyone who’s moved knows it takes about a year to make a new place feel like home. I wonder if the process will be longer due to COVID. On Wednesday, I finally tried out a chiropractor here. Much of the unhealthy wear and tear on our hips and knees originates with misalignment in the back. In addition, I suffer from chronic tightness in the lower back. Enough to make me need to stretch, but not, at this point, to hinder activity. (“At this point” being key, because it will only deteriorate if I don’t get proactive, hence the visit). Ah, middle age. Turns out the worst part of my spine is not the lower back. It’s the cervical (or neck) part. This shocked me, because aside from my neck feeling stiff some mornings, it doesn’t really bother me. Quite frankly, the only reason I’m sharing all this neck stuff (X-ray included) from this week is because 40% of us (at least) have a neck that is straight like mine instead of the healthy person’s curved neck. Why? Because those of us who spend any large part of our day texting on our phone, working on our computer/iPad, or driving (or God forbid, all of the above in any given day, like me) hold our necks during those activities in a way that causes the neck to gradually lose its curve. (despite weekly yoga!) What difference does that make? It’s kind of a big deal if we don’t do anything because it means: Degeneration of discs: The healthy neck has much more space between discs due to the curve, which (as you can see) my neck lacks. This leads to bone degeneration, and means I also have a reduced capacity to absorb any shock to the neck. My head also feels much heavier because it’s not carried properly. The good news is that I can restore the curve (though not the bone that has already degenerated.) This will stop future cervical degeneration and restore the space between discs. Back Pain: Turns out the strain on the neck muscles from not balancing the head properly takes the rest of the spine out of its neutral position and increases the gravitational compression on the entire spine. This can result in the mid or lower back pain so many of us feel. Who knew? A straight cervical spine often leads to headaches: (Lucky I’ve been spared these so far) and more extreme (trouble swallowing, double vision, even paralysis if gone too far!) This aging thing is such a paradox. The older I get, the more I appreciate life, thus the more I want to experience. I am more focused, more courageous, more disciplined than I’ve ever been. And yet my body needs more care, more boundaries, more time than it did twenty years ago to stay in good health. My life out here now has weekly chiropractic visits, in addition to daily exercise, meditation, keto-centered diet (with a few cheats because….baguettes et croissants!), and a regular bedtime (which I never adhered to in years past). Last night I read (Doris Kearns Goodwin) that this attentive nurturing of the body/mind connection was something President Teddy Roosevelt was taught to embrace as a frail boy way back in the mid 19th century. His father hired the owner of a nearby gym to build a fully equipped gymnasium on their back porch for sickly T]eddy, telling him, “Without the help of the body, the mind cannot go as far as it should…it is hard drudgery to make your body (get in shape) but I know you will do it.” Pretty avant-guard! Working to stay in shape became an important part of TR’s life, even to the point that he titled one of his most famous speeches “The Strenuous Life”. Although this year is still relatively new, life has already sent reminders of the alternative (yes, death, and…). In January, Jory went on FB to wish a good friend of his a happy 50th birthday, only to read that her husband had posted that she has early onset Alzheimer’s. In a private exchange, he shared that it has progressed rapidly, and that she probably wouldn’t remember Jory at this point, although they worked together for years, took many trips to wine country, and partied together often. Likewise, I learned that a dear friend of mine’s spouse (at 61) is back home this week after having suffered a serious stroke in December. She is driving him to rehab three times a week while trying to hold on to her job. How lucky we are to strenuously (and proactively) strive for health and enjoy it while we have the chance. On Thursday, we as a family watched Steve Job’s commencement speech at Stanford (2005) in which he tells the graduates he just beat cancer and hopes he has decades left to do all he wants to get done. It reminds me that while he could create friggin’ Apple and Pixar, he (with all his money) could not cheat death. “Our time” Jobs said, “Is limited. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life…. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Follow your heart, fix your neck, embrace it all, with gusto. |
AuthorSteph: friend, writer, wife, mother, sister, daughter, lover of life, and of chocolate. Archives
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