Anxious Us

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Holiday lights in the darkness

​Monday morning, Lillie Grace looks into her computer as if facing a firing squad.  
 
She is the “new kid”, having left her Los Angeles school of over four years to join fourth grade here in Albuquerque (at a school aptly named Georgia O’Keeffe). 
 
On the bright side, Lillie has gone from a class of 26 kids to a class of 16.  But the anxiety she feels in wanting these 15 other kids to like her is palpable. 
 
“Smile!” I stage whisper from just off-camera, reminding her that first impressions can be lasting. 
 
After getting kicked out of her room, I remind myself that her teacher is on it, describing Lillie’s passions and hobbies to her 15 classmates.
 
Who can forget the anxiety of being the “new kid”, especially in the middle of the year?  I still feel the anxiety of starting schools in January 1980 and April 1977. 

Anxiety.
 
The dictionary defines it as “full of unease or distress because of fear of misfortune or risk”.
 
Last night, I lead a book group on Fredrik Backman’s latest best seller called…(wait for it)…. Anxious People. 
 
An average writer, Backman is a great story teller, and a brilliant observer of human truths: “The terrible truth about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that…we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works…”.p. 43
 
In other words, there’s no parent to advise us (as we kick her out of our room), and no teacher to smooth our way.
 
Backman’s book will remain a best seller for months because he shows how most of us are struggling in different ways, that we’re all doing the best we can to get through the day, but we’re not alone. We’re in this together.
 
We are anxious in an anxious world. 
 
As I write this, my immediate reaction is to deny that I am in any real way anxious.  I was raised Boston Irish Catholic, which meant you pray to God, then suck it up. Focus on the good, the past, the future – anything but the difficulty at hand, especially when you can't fix it. But ignored feelings, I’ve experienced, just morph into back stiffness, then pain.
 
We all face occasional daily anxiety to varying degrees (I went to the dentist this morning, for example. Still, better the dentist these days than the doctor, right?!). My claim to not suffer from much anxiety was further debunked when said dentist outfitted me for a mouth guard because, unbeknownst to me, I grind my teeth at night. 
 
Let’s name it to tame it: The cost of living through a historic time is the collective anxiety that comes with it.
Consider the latest:
 
One of my favorite former students is now a Rockstar EMT at Children’s Hospital, Los Angeles. He shared that his hospital is now not only filling up with pediatric COVID cases, but also preparing beds for the overflow of adult cases from other hospitals.

A total of 14.2 million cases so far in America alone.
 
The number of daily deaths now equals the total death toll of 9/11. This, according to yesterday’s article in Vox, called “America’s failures have lead to a new daily record in COVID deaths.”
 
With no adult yet in the White House, we’re the adults Backman describes.
And we haven’t exactly been able to figure out how to navigate this strange new COVID world while waiting...for vaccines. 
 
How do we keep paying the bills while keeping safe while staying sane for months on end?  No one has it entirely figured out.
 
And while may be in this together, for safety, we physically need to face this apart.
 
Because the Universe has a way of hitting me over the head when I need to face (or feel) something, Jory and I are guests at a lecture (via zoom on Wednesday) given by NY Times columnist and psychologist Lisa Damour.  It’s called Managing Stress, Anxiety & Parenting Under COVID 19. What are the odds?
 
Crib notes on her findings on anxiety in italics - my thoughts unitalicized: 
 
Anxiety is NOT developmental, meaning we can’t ever just outgrow it.  So stop trying.
 
This means that were I to start a job with 15 unfamiliar colleagues tomorrow, I would still feel like Lillie Grace did facing her new fourth grade.  Hopefully, I have developed coping mechanisms since I was in fourth grade.
 
Anxiety is good in small measures. It tells us we need to be on our toes, lets us know we’re pushing our comfort zone. 
Befriend the every day anxieties (because the victory in leaving the dentist today felt all the sweeter).
 
However, chronic anxiety, (like that caused by, say, a long pandemic), is a problem. 
 
That’s why we’re ALL a bundle of nerves.  Depending on our circumstances, we’re easily tired one minute, edgy the next. Grief-stricken. Bored. Stir crazy. In denial. Overwhelmed. Overeating. Lonely. Helpless. Stressed…..with no end in immediate sight.
 
Some basic coping tools that bear repeating:

1. Self Care: the basics (diet, exercise, sleep, meditation, journal) Find what brings you joy. Get centered.
2. Social connections with a focus on caring, support. We may feel zoomed out, but it’s better than ante-zoom days.  Or Call. Text. Write. Encourage. Joke. We still are in this together.
3. Happy Distractions: Season 4 of the Crown anyone???? OMG.
4. Laugh whenever possible. I added this one in, because it’s everything to me. 

 
We will get through this. A pandemic occurred 102 years ago, and another one will occur again -  hopefully not in our lifetimes.  But it’s life.  And we are here to experience life in the now – with all its joy, heart break, messiness and, yes, anxiety. 
 
I’m going to drive around and check out the holiday lights. Because they remind me that, like anxiety, the darkness is necessary to create beauty.

(NB - I am not writing about diagnosed mental illness here)