Time to Raise the Thermostat

Learning the sobering news about our DNA and brains this week, excellent haircuts were in order!

Now that I've left LA, I've gone back to being blonde.

This week I learned that our brains are wired for survival, not happiness.
 
What difference does that make?  It’s like spending your life wearing a life vest and treading water versus zooming around in a motor boat with a glass of wine.
 
And does that mean that all those bright balls of joy wired for happiness and not survival became dinosaur snacks?  
 
It gets crazier.
 
I attended a zoom on Tuesday hosted by the very talented Mary Clark with integrative medical doctor and psychotherapist Raquelina Luna.  In launching the English edition of her book The Path to your R.E.A.L. Health , Dr. Luna discussed how stress and trauma become actually encoded in the DNA of subsequent generations (not making this up).  
 
So on my Dad’s side, his being orphaned by age 19 would probably count as trauma, and I’m sure there’s more (one ancestor dying in New Orleans while fighting for the North) but nothing else is known because with the death of his parents, there was a death of family history.  
On Mom’s side, we have her dad being first generation American, losing two brothers as a kid (one hit by a trolley in front of his eyes), and her mom, also first generation, being raised in an orphanage from the age of 2 because her mother died in childbirth. Then, these grandparents reach adulthood only to barely eke through the Great Depression, after which Grandpa left for Northern Africa and Italy to fight in WWII.  And that’s just the ancestors I know of.
 
Are you aware of the stress and trauma in your DNA? 
 
How, I wonder, will our kids internalize living through a pandemic that has claimed over two million lives in the past year?
 
As if to showcase how this bleak biology plays out, all three kids had epic meltdowns this week.
 
In search of coping mechanisms for ourselves and the kids, Jory and I zoomed a Tony Robbins’ program and learned that we each set  internal thermostats for different elements in our lives. It’s the levels at which we feel comfortable and safe in things like finances, weight, stress level, mood, career, travel, etc. So say (hypothetically), my internal weight thermostat is set at 145 pounds.  If I get up to, say 155 pounds (which, hypothetically, one could easily do during a pandemic), I would feel sluggish, heavy and be motivated to lose the weight (which I hypothetically did).  What’s interesting is that if I get down to a trim 135 pounds, unless I consciously reset my thermostat, I will invariably gain the ten pounds back, but no more, in a matter of months to return to my comfort level.  Another example: most people who win the lottery are back to their prior financial status within five years without consciously trying to be.
 
With our DNA carrying stress and trauma and our brains wired for basic survival, is it a wonder most of us set a low internal thermostat without even realizing it?
 
This week, I learned about three tools that keep our thermostats at their current level (or not): our language, our focus and our energy/physicality.
 
Point in case: One daughter melted down because she says no one likes her, including herself.  I felt like I was looking into a mirror and seeing myself at her age. I asked her to be specific: write a list of what she doesn’t like about herself.  It was heartbreaking: Everything from “I don’t like that I can’t keep a growth mindset” to “I don’t like my stomach”…(at the age of 10?!?!)  As you can imagine, her self talk is harsh and negative. To raise our thermostat, the stories we tell ourselves, both about ourselves and each other, must encourage, like giving water to a parched soul. “You’re in the wrong movie,” I told her. “Let’s write down the things you do like about yourself!” 
It’s not about peppy affirmations (that we don’t really believe but wish we could) but finding the small truths we do believe and then continually reminding ourselves of them.  Her meltdowns actually stopped once we started having her tell us three things she loves about herself (and why) every morning upon rising, and three things at night.  
 
As if the kids sensed Jory and I were raising our personal thermostats and felt uncomfortable with the change, our other daughter broke down over her perfectly average report card on Wednesday (with high grades in art). She focused on how she’s not achieving high grades, not liking remote learning, misses living in LA. Turns out, the second thing that sets our thermostat is what we focus on. Do we look at what we can or can’t control? The past or the present? Glass half-empty or half-full? For every lack this daughter hones in on, we are having her come up with another thing she appreciates, loves, or is grateful for. For every thing she can’t control, she has to come up with something she can change.
 
To complete the trifecta this week, our four-year old had epic meltdowns for no apparent reason, other than fatigue. Cue the third tool for setting the thermostat: physicality. Get the body at an optimal level through sleep, exercise, and diet so our energy is high and our mind better connected to our body.  
 
While using the tools of language, focus and physicality to raise our thermostat, we still need an overall compelling future, something that motivates us, or it all falls apart.  For me, it’s getting a book published. For Jory it’s securing a client base. Happily, our kids also have inspiring plans: one wants to be a Senator, one a Unicorn and one a firefighter.  
 
When asked about her plans to be a unicorn, my 8 year old looked me in the eye and simply said, “Unicorns are awesome. I am awesome. Therefore, I am a Unicorn”. 
 
It’s finally warming up around here, brain, DNA and all….